Privacy vs. secrecy
It can be difficult deciding who to tell about your child’s/tamaiti’s variation. You may want to keep things private until you feel clearer in your own mind and have processed your own feelings and thoughts.
Privacy is about taking time to be with your own thoughts and feelings. Everyone is entitled to privacy, including your child/tamaiti. Maintaining privacy can involve choosing a small circle of trusted people who you can talk to. It can also mean that you and your child/tamaiti can choose over time what you share with others. Secrecy, on the other hand is intentionally hiding information; this can be unhelpful and even hurtful. Secrecy often creates an atmosphere of shame for those who are at the centre of the secrecy. Keeping things secret can mean you don’t access the support you need.
Being open with the people you are close to and trust is recommended. Having a VSC is one part of what makes your child/tamaiti unique. Encouraging acceptance early on will enable your child/tamaiti to feel confident in their own body.
The more comfortable you are, in talking with your child/tamaiti and the people you can trust, the easier it may be for your child/tamaiti to experience acceptance.
Telling friends and family
Most people will be supportive when you talk with them about your child’s/tamaiti’s variation. Just like you, some people may have little knowledge about what a VSC is and therefore may be overly curious. This can lead to some people saying unhelpful comments and at times being insensitive. You don’t need to answer all of their questions, only those you feel comfortable with.
Try to be calm and respond by informing them that VSCs are more common than they think. Even though public awareness is limited, explain that having a VSC is just part of human diversity.
People are often keen to know whether your child/tamaiti is a boy or a girl, if this is unclear (which sometimes happens) and you are waiting on a test result to clarify you can respond by saying something like:
We have a beautiful baby, 3.5kg, we are all doing ok. Just tired and need a day or two to rest. Be in contact soon.
or
Our lovely baby has arrived! We are just waiting on a few tests to clarify a few things. We are all very excited and look forward to telling you more soon
FIRST STEPS